I’ve been thinking a lot lately about reframing guilt for gratitude. I think that potentially those who are more resilient and psychologically flexible in their thinking do this without even realizing it. It is something I’ve seen in my clients, and reflected on for myself as well. 

Here’s what I’ve noticed: When something happens and we feel guilty, this may lead us to want to shut down, retreat, and even isolate. Guilt can be a useful emotion because it tells us what’s important to us, but if we don’t process it in a helpful way it could lead to more unhelpful behaviors that leave us feeling stuck. For example, if you think you’ve hurt someone you love, you feel guilty and that shows you care about this person. However, if you stay stuck in that guilt, you might do things like ask the other person for lots of reassurance that they aren’t still upset with you or become anxious about future interactions with them. Instead of repairing and moving through the situation that has occured, the guilt might keep you stuck playing out unhelpful dynamics and not knowing how to change them.

The question is, since the behavioral consequences of staying stuck in guilt can be so challenging, how can we access what we value and what behaviors help us live in accordance with our values in the face of feeling guilty? The answer, I think, might be gratitude.

Similarly to guilt, gratitude also tells us what is important to us. When we have that moment of recognizing how much someone else has helped us and feeling grateful, gratitude is telling us the value we place on that person and our relationship to them. When we can access gratitude deeply, we may feel warmth, connection, and confidence to move forward. 

So here’s the reframe: in moments where guilt comes up, its okay to acknowledge and validate it. “Oof, I feel guilty because someone I care about is hurt from something that I did. Guilt is telling me I care about that person.” 

Next, add the gratitude: “I’m so grateful to have someone in my life who I know cares about me as much as I care about them…someone who I care about enough that I feel bad for hurting them.” 

Last, add the action and move forward: “I think I need to reach out to them and say sorry, and make sure they know I’m working on doing better next time. I can repair this, and I can handle what guilt feels like.”

Building confidence in our ability to handle a wide range of emotions is what life is all about. When we see any feeling, no matter how uncomfortable, as something we can handle then we can access strengths within us (like gratitude) to help us get through it in a way that is in alignment with our values. Therapy can help us get attuned to what we value and how to live in a values driven way that feels more centered, grounded, and preferred.

Ashley Lanier-Pszczola LMFT is a licenced therapist, practice owner, clinical supervisor, and professional speaker. Ashley specializes in working with teens, young adults, OCD and related disorders, and family work for clients of all ages.